Why can't I move on? T_T

If you're one of those people that are upset about what happened between me and than I strongly suggest that you do not read this journal since it's about that.




Seriously, I thought I'd be feeling better by now, but I've realized so many things that just make me cry myself to sleep almost every night I think about it.

I've not been acting like myself lately, I've been frustrated and upset for a very long while now.

I literally just don't know what to do with my life anymore, I've been trying to move on and I just don't know anyone or have any confidence in me that I would find someone just as sweet, gentle, gorgeous, lovely, talented and beautiful like she was literally everything to me and the reason why I continued living and now that I am no longer with her I don't know what to do.

The fact that I barely get any feedback at all anymore now because of that doesn't help me either, it has made me believe that the real reason why I've ever gotten any attention or feedback/encouragement of any sort was all just because of our relationship and I bet that now that I've mentioned this people may try to prove me wrong.

This is also one of the reasons I've been really inactive lately on both DA and YT, I just don't have the motivation any more.

I've also been disappointed at my own actions because of this event, I look at my own life and think of how many girls I possibly know and realize that there aren't any that I would be interested or would be interested in me let alone be happy with, this is cruel to say but it's true, I actually wish my words about Blue being unique and different weren't true because now I don't have her to love with all my heart anymore and now I don't have anyone at all.

I'm angry and furious at myself for immediately looking around for a girl to date and love almost straight after the breakup, I can't believe how desperate I am to find someone to love just like I loved her...  I'm just desperate to have someone to love now more than I've ever been.

I really wish there was still something I could do to be with her, but if I just try to ask her to love me again all I'll do is just hurt her more than I already have and I can't bear to do that to her.

I would happily leave my life behind to be with her but there's no way I would survive in that country, this is why I needed HER to be able to come over here to be with me, she would have been in a better place and I would have loved her and took care of her with all my heart... But she wouldn't be able to cope being away from both her home and her parents which I can understand...  I just wish that..  Somehow..  We could be together...  Just once.

So now that we're no longer together I don't know what to do with all the money I saved for that special trip for her and I don't know what else to do with my life, right now all I can do is just sit my ass on this computer seat playing video games hoping that my life will go away quickly.

I know submitting a journal like this is not wise but I just don't know what else to do with my life now.

I still love her... and I don't think that will ever change... she was everything... and she always will be.... I still love you Blue